Parents

Parents - is there a more annoying group of people on this planet, I think not.  "Oh look at my child, isn't the cutest thing you have ever seen?" they gush.  No, the child could be mistaken for a monkey.  It has your wonky nose and your husbands balding hairline.  It is going to end up as a combination of you two so lets face it, what chance does it realistically have? 

Parents, have a good think about this question.  Mothers, as you show off the latest little sprog that you pushed out of yourself, as you pretend to doat over your loved one, are you truly happy?  Fathers, are you truly satisfied with your newly vaginally bucketed wife, not just a little satisfied with life but truly happy?  Whilst your childless friends live in wonderful clean houses and are able to travel the world, you are living in that stink pit that always smells of children no matter how much you clean and instead of seeing the world you are forced to spend you last penny on a new pair of trainers for little Johnny who demanded the latest design so he doesn't get picked on by the other little brats at school.

Can any parent say they are truly happy bringing up a spoilt little sprog who has no concept of how much freaking money they cost. "I want a playstation, I want a skateboard, I want clothes, I need food", blah blah blah.  It's not even as if at the end of a hard day you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation with no, no, instead you have to clean up their shit or some other equally as disturbing job.

You see the most well kept beautiful people suddenly lose all sense of pride when they become a parent.  They stop washing, they don't bother with the makeup, their sex lives are non-existent all because the condom snapped and little Johnny appeared nine months later.  Having a child is no excuse to stop looking after yourself!  They go to bed early the little lightweights so have a shower then, pluck the eyelashes that are threatening to create a monobrow and for the love of god do something for yourself.  Your little lodgers will leave you behind as soon as they have independence and never truly appreciate what you have done for them.  And what are you left with; a shambles of a sexless marriage if you are lucky and a face full of stress wrinkles because the Tesco value moisturiser was the only product in your price range. 

Oh and one more thing, why should I have to spend my taxes on your freaking children?  You decide to pop one out, you pay for it.  Don't make me give you a weekly allowance to raise it, its yours, it belongs to you, do it yourself.  If you can't afford it, don't have one!  I can't afford a new flat screen TV so I don't have one.  Simple as that.  And trust me, that flat screen TV is going to give me far more joy than the little brat who will force you to watch cartoons when all you want to do is watch late night porn on that dodgy satellite channel.