Apple

Apple, could they possibly be the most annoying company in the whole world and the source of much of my anger?  Why yes they very well could be thank you for asking.  For starters why name your company after a perfectly delicious fruit?  When you all sat in a meeting discussing a name for a company did the conversation go a little something like this?

"OK guys, we need a name for our company.  Any suggestions?"
"Well I was thinking we could name it Banana?"
Nervous glances around the room as Steve displays the new logo (see left).
"Don't you think that might be a bit phallic Steve?"
"Plums?"
"OK anyone but Steve got any ideas?"
"Apple?"
"Are you just naming fruits Steve? Oh fuck it, lets go with Apple."


Boys and girls that is the story of how they came up with the name Apple (Wikipedia I can be your source on that).  Besides the name, I am an understanding man after all so I can just about forgive that faux-pas, what is it that really annoys me about the company.  Oh where to begin.

The adverts - we are so hip and trendy, we are a bunch of guys in their fifties making cool products because we are so down with the kids.  Play some underground music, show some models dancing with our products and we will sell millions.  Why not show your real customers using your product?  Some fat shite with the iPad resting on his belly whilst he tugs off to xTube.   Also, to really annoy people why not show an unrealistic advert of how easy our products are to use.  Yes, I regularly sit there flipping through the apps on my iPad with no loading time or slowdown.  Web pages load in an instance over my shitty 3G connection.

The products - make great products, sell them to me and we will both be happy.  Make my product outdated as soon as I have spent a months wages on it and the hate will boil to dangerous levels.  My shitty old iPhone makes me look particularly outdated as the kids shuffle past with their higher resolution screens mocking my small number of pixels.  My iPad looks to be redundant shortly as you add a camera that should have been fricking there in the first place!    

The software - is iTunes the biggest load of crap I have ever used?  What a stupid question, of course it is.  I can only sync my iPod through iTunes so I am forced to buy music from this crappy software.  What if I was to try and add an app or buy music another computer?  You can't you prick the software screams at me, how dare you demand convenience.  Don't even get me started on what happens if my computer breaks and the nightmare is it to get it working on a different PC.    

Flash - why can't I view bloody flash sites on my device?  Why?  I simply don't understand!  Is it actually because you are run by megalomaniacs who want to control the world?  Yes?  Great I thought so.

Well now that Steve Jobs is off with an angry case of syphilis (you heard it here first) maybe Apple will fuck off and leave my bank balance alone.  Oh your products shine but they are going to cause the last clinging hair on my bald head to fall off.