Self helps books

It wasn't going to be long before these hit my radar.  The incident in question occurred as I browsed my local book emporium.  I stumbled into an unknown section drawn in by the desperate moans of the needy and weak and watched on as they consumed the crap that was shovelled down their throats by con men and very smart self promoters.  

Now don't get me wrong, its not the industry I hate, any industry that makes millions of dollars by feeding a load of bullshit to these desperate saps has my blessing.  No, its the idiots that are stupid enough to spend their money on that crap; I say milk them for all they are worth.  The fatties whose latest fad diet promises to lose them all the extra blubber they are carrying, the single woman who desperately cling onto their last egg in hope that a man will take pity on them and fertilise it, those whose careers are going nowhere simply because they are just not smart enough to ever better themselves and are too thick to realise this.  

I picked up one of the books and flicked through the contents; The Secret.  For all those people who have an education you are unlikely to have read this pile of shite, the basic premise is imagine what you want an through the Law Of Attraction it will come to you.  The Universe will deliver if you imagine.  As an experiment I have sat here for two days imagining Angelina Jolie sucking me off and so far no sign of her. 
Is that the biggest load of crap you have ever heard; the answer if of course yes.  But this book has sold millions of copies to desperados who believe that if they sit there imagining, they will get whatever they want.  No dick shits, hard work is the key to getting what you want.  The actual secret, the real secret, is that Rhonda Byrne has made a hell of a lot of money off you saps and instead of spending all that time imagining you actually could have done something with your life. 

So this is for all those people who buy these books; to save you a lot of money, instead of buying that expensive book simply read the tips below:

• Losing weight - stop eating so much and do some exercise fatty, its quite a simple rule.  Eat cheeseburgers, get fat.

• Can't find love - appear desperate and lonely and no-one wants to know you, be interesting a people will take notice.  Of course scrap what I just said if you look like a monster, love in that case is an unattainable goal unless you can find someone who is equally as horrendous so as to take pity on each other.   

• Career going nowhere - it is likely that if you are buying one of these books you are a low level worker with no job prospects anyway.  Accept that you just aren't smart enough to better yourself and spend your money on something that will make you feel better like a case of beer.

• Sex guides - the oldest of all the self help books.  If you need one of these you are likely shit at sex and reading this is only going to make your partner chuckle as you try something a bit different a fail spectacularly.  Just accept  the fact you can't satisfy anyone.

Glad to get that one out there; their was an aggressive stress vein that popped up on my forehead that is only now starting to go down.