New year resolutions

Well I'm sure by the time you read this all the fatties won't have lost any weight and gone back to the pie eating ways but this point still needs to be made.  New year resolutions, what is the fucking point?  Every year a bunch of unhappy losers make promises to themselves that they have no chance of keeping:
"I will get thin" 
"I will go to the gym four times a week" 
"I will give up smoking."
Why not make a resolution to stop being a lying twat?

But how does this affect me I hear you ask?  Despite the fact I have to listen to the fat lady Maureen that sits next to me at work jabbering on about how she feels so much better after a week of healthy eating (despite the fact I saw her in Starbucks tucking into a muffin a couple of days ago and so fact there are no signs of weight loss or a decrease in the number of chins that prop up her fat face), they seem to encroach in every part of my life.

I'm not saying I am any Brad Pitt or whoever the  kids are into nowadays but I am smart enough to know that if you eat a balanced healthy diet, don't drink all the time and occasionally drag your tubby lard arse down to the gym, you can maintain a decent weight.  Sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle and eating cheeseburgers and you will soon look like one of his guests.  Instead of following these simple rules it would seem that as soon as the clock strikes twelve on news years, people decide they want to be someone different.  Why this specific change of time seems to have this affect on people I have no clue, perhaps the realisation that the last year of their life has been as dull as every other year of their miserable existence?  Well here is some news for you, nothing is going to change.  You will still be fat, you will still smoke, you will still be dull.

So the problems start when I go to get lunch.  The local McDonald's is suddenly clear of people allowing the excess of fat to seep out into surrounding air.  Instead I find the grease monkeys queued up in my local salad bar, staring at cucumber and tomatoes like they are foreign objects that used to only exist between a burger and a bun.  For most of January my local salad bar is inundated until the fatties get bored and slowly start to wobble back to their local grease hole to get their chubby fill.

Then there is  the small problem of my gym.  Suddenly there is an influx of people deciding that this year they will get fit and healthy.  Sure, fill up my gym for a week, take out a years membership, then f-off by the end of the month and be stuck with a horrendous monthly bill for something you have no intention of using again.  Going to the gym once a month does not give you a reason to eat anything that is put near your greedy lips.

So why not just do us all a favour and skip the resolutions.  If you can't stick to them for more than a couple of weeks don't bother at all, leave me in peace and stop ruining January for me every frigging year.  Know your role in life and fill up the burger joints fatties.