Guess who has made me angry? 200 million of you that's who. What could you all have possibly done to make me so angry on such a mass scale. Why Facebook of course, the final nail in the coffin of social decorum. After a relentless barrage of emails from people I barely knew and had no inclination to keep in touch with, I joined Facebook and was immediately inundated with friend requests, pokes and to my utmost disgust, people tagging me in photos. Firstly, who ever thought poking me was a good idea obviously doesn't know me and as such shouldn't be allowed to communicate with me in any way. Secondly, the friend requests. If I haven't spoke to you in twenty years the chances are its because you were a prick and I had no intention of keeping in touch with you. Thirdly, if one more person finds themselves in possession of me in a photo, do not think it is your right to upload it online and tag me. I often pull an involuntary gurn whilst having my photo taken and I have no intention of broadcasting this to the world.
So there are the rules, don't interact with me, don't become my friend and don't for the love of god post photos of me online. Now we have got that out of the way let me get down to the true reason I hate Facebook so much.
It's the people who think it is perfectly good etiquette to post endless updates about their happy, perfect life's or post pictures of their wonderful holiday whilst I am stuck in this miserable piss hole having to go to work everyday.
"I got married to the most perfect man on this earth"
"I look into the eyes of my children and see a wonderful happy life ahead."
"Look at me and my Hollywood style good looks and minty fresh breath"
Oh fuck off you twat, no-one wants to hear how bloody amazing your life is. Why doesn't anyone post the truth about their miserable existences.
"Got the test results today and it turns out I do have genital herpes."
"I'm sitting in all alone on a Saturday night and that bottle of vodka and sleeping pills are looking increasingly tempting."
"I can't get an erection."
Now that makes for good reading, the truth would make you a whole lot interesting your boring bunch of bastards. For now I think it is best I retire my Facebook account before I end up insulting everyone who I have know for the past god knows how many years. How bloody old am I anyway? Too bloody old and I thank you not to ask again.
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